If you're an adult who believes in maintaining a sensible diet even if it means sacrificing the tiniest bits of joy, you can still participate in the world's greatest pagan-based ritual by donning a costume. You don't have to be independently wealthy or dress up like an independently wealthy pop culture icon to put together a good-looking costume that delivers a striking illusion and biting satire.
Plus, these Halloween costumes aren't just outfits that anyone in any American region can wear. These are based on local characters and allow you to be unique and express your innate metropolitan tribalism as well. Who doesn't love a great two-for-one deal?
"Western" Glenn Beck
The conservative pundit who time forgot has tried a series of comebacks to be the king of the crying loons since he left Fox News more than 10 years ago. The only attention he's gotten comes from viewers marveling about how desperate he's been. Beck is one blown spark plug away from standing outside Rupert Murdoch's bedroom with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
This past year was notably desperate thanks to the Glengarry-esque pitch he made to prove that he's just one of the good ol' boys at this year's Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) gathering at the Kay Bailey Hutchison Convention Center. So before you throw that cowboy outfit into the yard sale pile, think about using it for a Halloween costume.
This year's Glenn Beck costume requires a plaid shirt in a single, loud color. Very loud. Violently loud. Think of a Day-Glo poster vomiting on the '80s. It also helps if the shirt is ill-fitting and practically new. Something rough and stained implies that you've done physical labor. The color also implies your only knowledge of American history and period fashion comes from Yosemite Sam cartoons and Pace Picante salsa commercials. Slap on a pair of jeans that look like they are trying to strangle your bulging abdomen and you're ready to go.
You don't need anything this elaborate to dress up as a QAnon follower this Halloween, but if you have an outfit like that and it fits, don't let us stop you.
Dylan Hollingsworth
The Dealey Plaza QAnon-ers
The mere mention of "QAnon" evokes images of people in tin foil hats wearing sandwich boards or toting signs pronouncing that cancer is a hoax or the cleansing of humanity is nigh. Nothing could be further from the truth, just like people who still cling to the QAnon fan fiction.
If you wanna go trick-or-treating as one of these conspiracy spitters, put away the Reynolds Wrap and the poster board. You don't need to be that blunt with your costume budget.
Instead, simply walk around your neighborhood telling people that John F. Kennedy Jr. is not only alive but that he'll come out of hiding on New Year's Eve to ... (insert your own wildly optimistic but impossible prediction with a long due date that's definitely going to disappoint you just like everything else in your life has). Make sure that the date you choose is far enough out that people will forget you even made the claim so you can keep moving the goal post. If people who love and care about you aren't taking your name out of their iPhone contacts or blocking you on Facebook, then your costume isn't working.
Texas AG Ken Paxton has sued the Biden administration over deportation.
Gabriel Aponte / Getty Images
Our state attorney general has become something of a character in that he has none. Some might say that it's hard to cosplay as such a boring person, but this year Paxton went below and beyond the call of duty, making it much easier to capture in costume form.
Some might say that it's hard to cosplay as such a person, but that's nonsense. A Paxton costume is easier to pull off if you're the kind of person who feels nothing on the inside. Make the wrong choices about EVERYTHING, even the basic stuff like lending someone a hand with a flat tire or helping someone out of a sinkhole. In fact, go out of your way to make it EVEN HARDER for people to complete those basic needs.
Then get indicted for securities fraud and when someone tries to serve you papers, avoid them the way a speed walker would play freeze tag.
Finally, make sure you never take responsibility or face accountability for anything you do, or people will just think the best you can do for a Halloween costume is put on an ill-fitting off-the-rack suit.
